Saturday, April 22, 2017

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (12)

Another page from the ACME Catalog -

Before our feature presentation, ACME would love to show you the 1953 Road Runner Looney Tunes cartoon, Zipping Along:

In this outing, the Road Runner - who is shown outracing a fast train - is labeled "velocitus tremenjus." Wile E. Coyote, watching from above, is now labeled "Road Runnerus Digestus."

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is proud to celebrate the anniversary of the 1979 release of the movie Rock ‘n’ Roll High School, which featured The Ramones.

The Ramones were paid a total of $25,000 for appearing in the film, and had to play shows in southern California to help pay their hotel bills. During the 21-day shoot, Dee Dee Ramone got arrested for fighting with a roadie, overdosed in jail, and wound up in Cedars Sinai Hospital with a $3,000 medical bill.

Demand Euphoria!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Rocket Man

April 20, 1961 -
Harold Graham made the first untethered flight in a rocket belt near Niagara Falls, New York.

Harold Graham reached an height of approximately 4 feet (1.2 meters), and then flew smoothly forward at a speed of approximately 10 km/h for a distance of 108 feet (less than 35 meters) and then landed. The flight lasted 13 seconds.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Monday, April 17, 2017

Something happened on this date

April 17, 1975: Cambodia falls when communist insurgents known as the Khmer Rouge enter the capital city of Phnom Penh.

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Saturday, April 15, 2017

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (11)

Another page from the ACME Catalog -

Before our feature presentation, ACME would love to show you the 1954 Looney Tunes cartoon, Bugs And Thugs:

Third appearance of Rocky, first appearance of his accomplice Mugsy.

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is proud to present an episode from the VH-1 Series, VH-1 Storytellers: Tom Waits (1999) (the audio portion). This is the whole show unedited with more stories and more songs than the broadcast version

While the broadcast version was a scant 45 minutes, this unedited version has been floating around the internet much like Shangri La, waiting for you to glimpse the eternal. Crack open the bottle and pour yourself a tall one (or two,) you're not going anyway for a while.

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Friday, April 14, 2017

Along the Via Dolorosa

The old ladies you usually pester with questions of a religious nature are busy today: they are doing the Stations of the Cross. Since you probably have not been to church since at least Christmas and more like than not, have completely forgotten your entire religious training

(ACME will extend a Papal Dispensation to all non-Christians on this test) -

Here are the Stations of the Cross:

First Station: Jesus is condemned to death

Second Station: Jesus carries His cross

Third Station: Jesus falls the first time

Fourth Station: Jesus meets his mother

Fifth Station: Simon of Cyrene helps Jesus to carry his cross

Sixth Station: Veronica wipes the face of Jesus

Seventh Station: Jesus falls the second time

Eighth Station: Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem

Ninth Station: Jesus falls a third time

10th Station: Jesus clothes are taken away

11th Station: Jesus is nailed to the cross

12th Station: Jesus
dies on the cross

13th Station: The body of Jesus is taken down from the cross

14th Station: Jesus is laid in the tomb

Demand Euphoria!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Occasiones diligenter ne in peccatum

Before embarking on the road that led me to my life of crime, I was an altar boy.

I became an Altar boy because you could get out of school early twice a week. You did have to do an early mass (7:00 AM) once a week but what the hell. The priest that ran the program was a frustrated football coach. We would have our weekly meeting and he would roll a blackboard out onto the altar and diagram what we were supposed to do.

He also told us that when at rest, we should keep our hands loosely clasped at our waist not at crotch level. "You boys do not have balls big enough to walk around holding them," he would warn us.

The duties of an altar boy are vast and complex. You had to set up before mass – you making sure there was water and wine and enough hosts ready for mass. If you ever wanted to have your little mind blown, open up the jumbo bag o' Body of Christ and fill up the receptacle like so much cocktail peanuts.

Since these are not yet been consecrated, you are permitted to handle them. But you had to guess how many parishioners would attend mass because the priest hated waste and if he didn't have mass later that day, he had to consume the remaining hosts (nothing worse that stale Eucharists). But God forbid you didn't have enough and you had to run back in to get some more – that got you a smack to the head.

Yes, priests were allowed to smack the altar boys around. The priest was holy and you were a snot nosed kid, so if the priest hit you – you must have deserved it.

Then there was the issue of the 'Blood of Christ'. Each priest had his own special mixture of wine and water to create the sacrament. One priest liked sherry. Another liked white wine. The third like the traditional red wine. But monsignor liked his scotch, with just a splash of water for his `Blood o' Christ'.

"Boyo, don't be stingy with the scotch this morning, tis cold and you didn't pay for it," monsignor would hiss under his breath. "And not too much water. Christ wasn't anemic, boyo."

Besides having to dole out the sacraments, Altar boys had to hold the bible for priest during mass. You had to mark the appropriate space for the daily mass and be prepared to open to that page when called upon to do so. Woe was you if you forgot to mark your place or didn't hold the book steady enough or close enough when the priest had a hangover and his sight was blurry. That got you a smack to the back of the head.

You also had to ring a special set of bells at a specific point in the mass. God forbid you rang them too enthusiastically (to get your friends attention) or worse, missed the cue and rang them too late. That got you another smack to the head.
You also had to lay out the correct vestments for the day's mass. The little old ladies, who were the handmaidens to priest, would tag them for you and you had to take them out of the garment bag. Sometimes the old ladies were running late or they forgot and you had to guess which garment. That could be you a boot in the ass for the wrong guess.

One of your main tasks was to play catcher for fallen hosts. For those of you who remember (or know), the priest had to place the body of Christ directly on the tongue of the receiver. The altar boy walks next to the priest, holding a small salver (serving tray) on a stick (paten) under the chin of the receiver, just in case, the priest dropped the Eucharist or it slipped from the receivers mouth. In that horrific case, the priest had to consume the host himself. Also if someone throws up right after receiving communion, the priest had to re-ingest the pre-digested communion wafer. (Yes, you know where we're going with this.)

Altar boys would practice the secret art of flicking the paten, so they could force their friends to spit up the host and watch the priest have to eat the pre-moistened host. But you had to do this, without the priest catching you – it meant instant dismissal from the ranks of altar boydom. Yes, I got one or two of my friends in the throat and never go caught.

Now we come up to the another important function of the altar boy – towel boy. At the end of communion, the priest cleans his hands and finishes the wine (Blood O' Christ) in the chalice.

The altar boy's job is to pour water for the priest as he rinses his fingers of the Crumbs O' Christ into the chalice and then offer him a hand towel (purificator) before he finishes off his holy drink. Unlike the attendants in washrooms, no tips were offered for  your services. It was just, `hurry it up, we're not washing my dick here' or `Not too much, that was the good sherry you poured today. I'm going to kill you when we get back into the sacristy'.

At this point, mass was nearly over and if you were lucky so was your torture. Either you had the beatings hanging over your head or you know you could make a quick get away. Once mass was over, you have to stow away the various items that were used during mass and hang up the priest's vestments. If you weren't in trouble or one of the little old ladies were there – you could make a mad dash by to school or to home. If you did something wrong or the priest was already deep into his cups – there could be hell to pay.

You'd hope for the quick smack to the back of the head. You could get the slow torture of thumbs against the wall. Place you hands straight in front of you then step back about a foot. Then lean against the wall with just your thumbs while the priest busied himself around the altar and sacristy after mass.

Have a good Holy Thursday

Demand Euphoria!

Saturday, April 8, 2017

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (10)

Another page from the ACME Catalog -

Before our feature presentation, ACME would love to show you the 1954 Looney Tunes cartoon, Design For Leaving:

Acme's innovations are at once prescient and outlandish, predating The Jetsons (with its robot maid and household gadgetry) by a decade.

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is proud to present the 2011 greatest hits album of the phenomenal artist Sade Adu. While ACME is not encouraging the use of the album, as such, it is understood that this artist's music might be played as an enhancement to lovemaking - please pace yourself accordingly.

Sade was awarded an O.B.E. (Order of the British Empire) in the 2002 New Year's Honours for her services to the music industry. She often performs barefoot; that cannot be said for most O.B.E's.

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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Something to consider

The arrogance of man is thinking nature is in their control, and not the other way around.

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Monday, April 3, 2017

How's the weather where you live?

April 3-4, 1974148 tornadoes hit the United States heartland within 16 hours. By the time the deadly storm ended, 330 people had died and damage was spread across 13 states and Ontario, Canada.

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Saturday, April 1, 2017

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (9)

Another page from the ACME Catalog -

Before our feature presentation, ACME would love to show you the 1940 Looney Tunes cartoon, The Hardship Of Miles Standish:

At 6:45 in the video, it appears that the Indian mouths, Goddamn son of a bitch.

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is proud to present the 1982 concert from Roxy Music, The High Road, shot on August 27, 1982 in the Côte d’Azur in Fréjus, France; the group was on a major world tour in support of their Avalon album.

The show was released on a four song EP titled The High Road, from a performance at The Apollo, Glasgow, August 30, 1982. To make matters even more confusing, just the soundtrack from the video was released as Heart Still Beating on CD in 1990.

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Before you go - I've found some more April Fools Commercials from this year

Friday, March 31, 2017

Why is this 'Crazy Fat Kid' smiling?

He in possession of about 20 nuclear warheads and is continuing to test nuclear weapons in a bid to develop his country's intercontinental missiles which could kill millions of Americans.

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Thursday, March 30, 2017

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Monday, March 27, 2017

It's True

Yes ma'am,  Thank you, 

My penis is discernibly larger than Milton Berle's. 


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Saturday, March 25, 2017

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (8)

Another page from the ACME Catalog -

Before our feature presentation, ACME would love to show you the 1980 Road Runner cartoon, Soup or Sonic, originally part of the TV special Bugs Bunny's Bustin' Out All Over:

The Acme Frisbee Disc used by the Coyote comes from the Freleng Manufacturing Company in Kansas City, Missouri. Friz Freleng, long-time animator for most of the early Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies characters, was from Kansas City, Missouri.

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is proud to celebrate the anniversary of the release of Pink Floyd's album Dark Side of the Moon with the presentation of their 1995 concert film, Pulse, documenting the band’s final full tour.

The mirror ball used at the end of the song Comfortably Numb was built by Stagecraft Inc. and is one of the largest in the world at 16 feet in diameter. The mirror ball splits open to a height of 24 feet revealing a powerful 12 kilowatt Phoebus HMI lamp inside.

Demand Euphoria!