Saturday, August 31, 2013

Failed experiement No. 42

August 31, 1947 -
Catholic Church approved portable chastity device (including traveling nun.)

(Vacuum seal totally on the wrong end.)

Friday, August 30, 2013

Failed science experience No.325

August 30, 1963 -
Attempt at weightless bowel movement

afterwards, NASA immediately increased bran intact 3x.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Behold and be amazed

’Cross the Rainbow Bridge of Asgard,
Where the booming heavens roar,

You’ll behold in breathless wonder,
The God of Thunder, Mighty Thor!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

A little self knowledge is a good thing

Help, please come and arrest me

I'm too cute and I'm falling into a diabetic coma.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Words that sound dirty but are not Part V

Dick Test:

If your doctor suspects you have scarlet fever, you may be given this diagnostic test invented by Dr. George Dick and his wife Gladys in 1924.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Words that sound dirty but are not Part IV


A small bird native to sub-Saharan Africa. Also known as tick birds, they eat parasites that infest the hides of livestock.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Words that sound dirty but are not Pt II

Titbits: The British spelling for the word "tidbits."

Tit-Bits was the name of of a British weekly magazine published from 1881 to 1984.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Words that sound dirty but are not

Bed Load:

Solid particles, like the pebbles in a stream, that are carried along by flowing water.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Early Soviet version of Clue

And for the win

Comrade Ivanov under the electrical tower with a wrench

Monday, August 12, 2013

... supported in life by the willing tribute of a free people

Joshua Norton was a businessman in San Francisco in the 1800's. In the 1840's, just before the Gold Rush, he tried to corner the market on rice and failed. He went from being very wealthy to being destitute overnight and the experience completely shattered his reason.

A couple of months after this event, he put on a formal admiral's uniform, complete with gold braid and epaulets and strode in to the office of the newspaper. He handed the editor a large, official looking proclamation which stated in quite formal language that, due to popular demand, he hereby declared himself Emperor Norton I of San Francisco, California, and Mexico, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. He bade all his subjects show him loyalty and the other courtesies due a person of such eminent stature.

... At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the last 9 years and 10 months past of S. F., Cal., declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these U. S.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in Musical Hall, of this city, on the 1st day of Feb. next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity. —NORTON I, Emperor of the United States.

The editor, with a rich sense of humor, decided to publish the proclamation on the front page of the newspaper, in all seriousness. The citizens of San Francisco, being what they are, immediately decided that this sounded like a good idea and, by unanimous acclamation, accepted Norton as their Emperor. It is undoubtedly the only time in history they ever had an unanimous vote on anything.

(From the pictures of Emperor Norton, it is immediately apparent that this guy has gone around the bend and ain't coming back. His eyes pointed in different directions, and neither one quite caught straight ahead. His uniform was formal to the point of almost gaudy and, at the same time, it was quite apparent that he and soap were not of regular acquaintance.)

He reigned for about forty years. During that time he ate in all of the finest restaurants and slept in the finest hotels for free -- because he was the Emperor. He had three seats permanently reserved in the front row of the San Francisco opera house -- one for him, and one each for his two dogs. Twice a year he would review the police and fire departments as they paraded by, and then he would make a grand speech to the assembled crowds. He printed his own money, which was accepted in business establishments around San Francisco as legal tender. When bicycles first came out, they got him a bicycle, too, and he looked all the more daft because of it. When one of his dogs died, 10,000 people turned out for the funeral to console their grief-stricken emperor. When the Civil War rolled around, he graciously offered his alliance and military support to Abraham Lincoln, who politely declined.

Make no mistake about it, the Emperor Norton was as good a loony as you have ever run across and I can't help feeling that a man who was that intelligent must have had some idea of just how completely nuts he really was.

Now here's the problem. During his reign as Emperor, Norton came up with three major ideas:

1) He called upon the other leaders of the world to join him in forming a League of Nations where disputes between nations could be resolved peacefully.

2) He suggested that parts of San Francisco Bay be filled in to make more room to build.

3) He proposed that a suspension-span bridge be built across the spot where the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge stands now. He even laid out a complete design that looks remarkably close to the bridge that was built sixty years after he died. He correctly predicted that only a suspension span bridge would have the strength to span such a large stretch, and the flexibility to stand up under the extreme stress which would be placed on such a structure. He did this at a time when the only suspension bridges ever built were rope bridges in remote parts of Africa.

Of course, when he proposed these ideas, the response was long and uproarious laughter -- the Emperor was up to his old tricks again. In time, all of his ideas became reality.

At the time, no one believed him.

Also, please check out the online petition to rename the San Francisco - Oakland Bay Bridge after our pal, Emperor Norton.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Soviet era safety posters

Only you can prevent hammer to the forehead accidents

Don't have that fourth shot of vodka during your lunch break

Friday, August 9, 2013

Sign the petition

Efforts are under way to rename the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge after our old friend the Emperor Norton I.  As you may recall, Norton proclaimed the need for a bridge and a tunnel to cross the bay from Oakland to San Francisco.

Honor the man - sign the petition!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Avoid most outdoor activities

Once again, New York City has lucked out and has not been plagued, as it has been in the past, with a large number of West Nile Virus cases this summer. ACME takes some pride in this and once again we would like to publish this importance health update:

West Nile virus can cause encephalitis, which causes swelling of the brain, which can in turn cause enlargement of the head. Contrary to the examples of encephalitis you see in the newspaper every day — such as Charlie Brown and Calvin - encephalitis is a deadly condition whose victims would be less likely to play with frisky beagles or stuffed tigers than to vomit blood and die.

West Nile virus is easy to avoid: like most viruses, it's very small, very slow, and not especially bright. Unfortunately, it's often carried by mosquitoes that are bigger, faster, and fiendishly clever.

It's not always easy to discern whether or not a given mosquito is carrying West Nile virus, so the prudent move is to avoid all mosquitoes.

This may be unfair to innocent mosquitoes who mean you no harm--the so-called "moderate" mosquitoes--but political niceties must be subordinated to threats to your survival.

It's important to remember that mosquitoes are masters of disguise. With a little makeup or a fancy hat, any mosquito can take on the appearance of several other species. They cannot, however, conceal their stingers.

Avoid all insects with stingers. If you encounter one that claims its stinger is merely a golf-club wedged into its rectum, do not believe it: insects don't golf.

Do not open your doors or windows to strangers before ascertaining whether or not they're mosquitoes. If they acknowledge being mosquitoes but deny carrying the West Nile virus, do not trust them. Some mosquitoes may even offer to show you a doctor's certificate, but such evidence is meaningless: they may have picked up West Nile virus in the time elapsed since their doctor tested them.

Be wary of delivery men, plumbers, electricians, and cable guys with stingers trailing from their jumpsuits.