Dr. Caligari's cabinet is now so crammed that he had to stow stuff in the Cupboard. Time may wound all heels but once in a while you need a cup of tea.
You add the candles from right to left but light them left to right.
So, let the serious eating commence.
Original Hanukkah Song Adam Sandler -
The Hanukkah Sessions: Night One Kurstin x Grohl -
Hanukkah Medley Julia Lester -
A Musical Channukah Quiz Gladys Gewirtz -
Our Menorah Again Avi Frier -
This Hannukah Club Sofa -
Please pace yourself - Eight days is a long time. And kids, know when a simple game becomes an addiction - please no actual gambling while playing with your dreidels.
Gamblers Anonymous (718) 352-1671
Your Christmas gifts are starting to arrive (we'll be keeping a count.)
(Remember, we are going to count this as a unit and not as two individual gifts.)
As today is the first night of Christmas, here are some more unusual gifts to consider giving -
You might have to find an old copy of the Savoy Cocktail Book, copyright 1930 (of which I have a copy,) in order to figure out what some of these drinks are.
Also, did you buy anyone a gift as inappropriate as a weasel in a bikini this holiday season?
Put your feet up and read a little bit about the History of Christmas
Christmas is one of the most widely celebrated holidays in the world, although the form of its observation varies widely from nation to nation. In America, our cultural kleptomania has allowed us to assimilate the most enjoyable of those traditions while discarding any stupid superstitions associated with them.
But it's worth reviewing those superstitions along with our traditions, if only to amuse ourselves yet again at the expense of our ancestors.
The winter solstice had long been celebrated by ignorant barbarians throughout the northern hemisphere as the time of the year when the sun stopped getting smaller and smaller and finally started getting bigger and bigger. The sun was important to these poor primitive bastards, in much the same way that we poor modern bastards find it so important. It was, after all, the Sun.
To avoid having to go out much during the darkest and coldest days of the year, the poor shivering Nordic bastards of Scandinavia would bundle up and sally forth into the woods to bring home great big logs which would often burn for as long as twelve days. As long as the log burned they would stay in and eat and drink and fornicate. They believed that every spark their log set off foretold the birth of a calf or pig in the new year, which only underscores the irony of the Nobel prize being awarded in Sweden.
They believed the sun was a big wheel (hwoel) that rolled away from the earth until the winter solstice, at which point it began rolling back toward us. This quaint ignorance charmed the weak and flabby peoples over whom the Vikings later swept like an apocalyptic affliction. However, these peoples could not pronounce hwoel and therefore called it "yule." This irritated the Vikings and eventually forced their retreat.
While the Norse were hauling those logs into their houses, others throughout Europe were enjoying some of the finest dining of the year. Since it was too expensive to feed and shelter animals through the cold weather, those in northern climes killed their livestock at the onset of each winter. This provided their only steady supply of fresh meat all year, and went nicely with the wines and ales which had finally become fermented. The inevitable gastrointestinal distress that followed these binges is probably responsible for the primitive Germans' fear that the god Odin was flying around the sky above them during the solstice, deciding who was naughty and who was nice. It was not entirely academic: Odin's invariable sentence for the naughty was death.
Peasants everywhere also liked to bring sprigs and boughs of evergreens into their homes around the time of the solstice to remind themselves that sooner or later all that awful cold and snow would end and it would get warm enough to eat, drink, and fornicate outdoors. The Druids of the British Isles brought evergreen boughs into their temples every winter as a sign of everlasting life, and the Vikings thought that evergreens were the particular plant of their own sun-god, Balder (so-named because they mistook the sun for his shiny, hairless cranium). Even the Egyptians worshiped their sun-god Ra's "recovery" by bringing palm rushes into their homes. It's not clear how this was intended to help poor Ra, but he always pulled through.
In ancient Rome, the festival of Saturnalia began the week before the solstice and lasted a full month. Romans ate and drank and fornicated during this festival in honor of Saturn, the god of Agriculture. They filled their homes with evergreen boughs to remind themselves that everything would be green again eventually. They also let slaves become masters for the duration of the festival, and the plebeians were put in charge of the city. It was a crazy, topsy-turvy time, with all sorts of nutty mix-ups. Overlapping with Saturnalia around the time of the solstice was Juvenalia, a feast to honor the children of the city.
The winter solstice fell on December 25 in the year 274, and the pagan Roman Emperor Aurelian declared that day a holiday: the festival of the birth of the Invincible Sun. The Invincible Sun was also known as Mithra. Mithra was an infant god who had been born from a rock (presumably virgin rock). The Roman upper classes, with their special fondness for rocks, honored this holiday as one of the most sacred in the year.
Meanwhile, the noisy little sect of Christianity had started to gather some steam.
St. Nicholas was born around this time in what is today Turkey, but was then just another primitive desert backwater full of bickering barbarians. One popular story about St. Nicholas was that he had saved three sisters from being sold into slavery or prostitution, or both, by sneaking money for dowries into their shoes and socks. He died on December 6, and this was subsequently celebrated as his feast day. It came to be considered a lucky day on which to buy things or get married. He was honored as a protector of children and sailors. By the Renaissance he had topped all the European charts to become the most popular saint ever, probably on account of widespread sailors and children.
In the fourth century, church leaders decided to begin celebrating the birth of Jesus, since it seemed morbid just celebrating his death. No one is really sure when Jesus was born, although most scholars are pretty sure it wasn't late December and most astrologists are quick to point out that Jesus doesn't seem like a Capricorn.
Pope Julius I chose to declare December 25 as Jesus' birthday, since people were already used to celebrating at that time of year. The holiday was called the Feast of the Nativity, and by the end of the eighth century it had spread across all of Europe, even to those remote and primitive corners where people still thought the Sun was a big yellow wheel.
By the middle ages Christianity had penetrated almost all of Europe, but Christmas was still a blend of ignorant barbarian superstitions and unbearable religious seriousness. Christians would attend a Christmas mass on December 25, then eat, drink, and fornicate like they did in the old days. They would crown some wretched beggar the "lord of misrule," and the drunken revelers would happily and laughingly obey his every command. The poor would show up at the doors of the rich and demand food and drink, and if they were denied they would often laughingly burn down the house, beat its inhabitants, and rape the womenfolk and livestock before moving on to the next house. It was a very jolly holiday.
Devout Christians of sixteenth century Germany began trying to outdo the rest of Europe with their usual humorless Teutonic ambition. Instead of hanging a few little evergreen boughs about the hearth at Christmastime, they began hauling whole trees into their homes. According to legend, Martin Luther himself was walking home from a sermon one night when he was struck by the beauty of the glittering stars among the pines. When he got home he promptly decorated his own tree with candles. Despite the obvious fire hazard, this quickly became a popular tradition.
After the Reformation, puritans decided there was too much eating, drinking, and fornication associated with Christmas and that it was therefore bad. Many rulers outlawed it altogether. This was not usually popular: in England, for example, Oliver Cromwell cancelled Christmas, resulting in the restoration of Charles II and the retaliatory cancellation of Mr. Cromwell's head.
All of this was bad for Christmas, but such was St. Nicholas' popularity that it did little to deter from his reputation. He remained on top of the charts. Nowhere was he more popular than in Holland, where he was venerated as Sint Nikolaas, or more familiarly as Sinter Klaas.
The puritan bastards who settled America avoided Christmas as part and parcel of their longstanding commitment to No Fun.Massachusetts Colony actually penalized anyone caught celebrating Christmas with a five-shilling fine. Since it was considered an English holiday, it was ostentatiously ignored in the years during and after the Revolution, and wasn't made a federal holiday until after the Civil War (on June 26, 1870.)
Washington Irving had done his part in sorting through barbarian superstitions for things that were wholesome, pleasant, and commercial enough to be made officially American, and in 1809 he referred to St. Nicholas as the Patron Saint of New York. In 1822 an Episcopalian minister named Clement Clarke Moore wrote a frivolous poem for his daughters entitled A Visit from St. Nicholas. Mr. Moore cleverly ignored all elements of the good saint's biography involving slavery, prostitution, dowries, and sailors. He focused instead on sleighs, reindeer, and presents for good little American boys and girls. It was so silly and frivolous that it became one of the most popular American poems ever—second only to the one about the guy from Nantucket.
By 1820, American stores had begun to advertise Christmas shopping, and by 1870 children were flocking to Macy's to see Santa Claus. And so it was that America began applying its curious collective genius for assimilation to the vast storehouse of silly and primitive traditions from throughout the world.
Thus we need not concern ourselves with St. Lucia, the patron saint of the blind, whom Scandinavians honor each December 23 (Little Yule) with elaborate pagan rituals involving candles, torches, and bonfires.
We need not worry about the witch Babouschka, who visits Russian children with gifts each Christmas to compensate for a nasty little joke she once played on the wise men,
or the Italian witch La Befana.
We need not trouble ourselves with the construction of piñatas each holiday season, as Mexican parents must.
We don't have to sit around our tables as they do in Ukraine, waiting for the evening star to appear before we begin our meal. We need not fear the kallikantzeri of Greece, nasty little goblins that cause mischief for the twelve days of Christmas.
And let's not even talk about Krampus
Between the 16th and 19th centuries global temperatures were significantly lower than normal in what was known as a “little ice age”. Charles Dickens grew up during this period and experienced snow for his first eight Christmases. This “White Christmas” experience influenced his writing and began a tradition of expectation for the holidays. Let's all take a moment during these troubled times to express our gratitude and admiration for our American traditions, which are so much better than the traditions of every other country.
I wish for all you gentle readers, a happy, healthy and joyous holiday.
As is the tradition at ACME, most of the staff and their family have joined the Caligaris for the Christmas Eve dinner of the seven fishes; we keep losing track of how many fishes we've consumed, (it might have something to do with the number of bottles of white wine that we've consumed. But please join us - there's always room at the table )
Well, maybe you were already in the holiday way (especially if you've been playing the home version.) Check out these clips from the late night shows while we recount if we've actually eaten seven fish dishes -
Why not watch these cartoons for your family while we try to sober up -
Christmas Comes But Once a Year (1936) -
Christmas Toyshop -
Bedtime for Sniffles -
Christmas Night -
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
Sometimes TV is your only friend, so why not have another marathon of Christmas themed episodes.
Christmas Shopping The Jack Benny Program -
Mel Blanc steals this show without a doubt.
Christmas and the Hard Luck Kid That Girl -
Christopher Shea, the child-actor playing Tommy, is best known as the voice of Linus in A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and several other Peanuts specials. At the time this episode was broadcast, Shea was also a regular cast member in the short-lived Western series Shane.
Christmas and the Hard Luck Kid II Mary Tyler Moore -
James L. Brooks, the writer of the That Girl episode, Christmas and the Hard-Luck Kid wrote a sequel (of sorts) for this The Mary Tyler Moore Show episode, the sitcom's first Christmas special.
And a rarely seen holiday special from Rod Serling, Carol for Another Christmas --
Everyone involved in this production - all the cast, including the Director Joseph L. Mankiewicz, Writer Rod Serling, and Composer Henry Mancini - worked for union scale as an expression of their support for its anti-war themes and perceived importance of the program. Sellers, who at the time was reported to charge $750,000 or more, appeared for only $350, the Screen Actors Guild weekly minimum.
Now that you're in the proper mood for the holidays - I'll leave you with these thoughts from Ogden Nash and his poem: The Boy Who Laughed At Santa Claus.
I've told my kids and maybe you'll tell yours - Dammit kids, get to bed! The sooner you go to sleep, the quicker Christmas will be here.
Bunkies, what would the holidays be without Pee Wee Herman’s Christmas Special (now filled with original commercial goodness!). Remember to scream ‘really loud‘ when the secret word ‘YEAR‘ is said:
The lighting apparatus used in Miss Yvonne’s hair actually shorted and smoked during production and the crew had to intervene to remove the power pack from under her wardrobe and remove the wig which housed the lighting.
We have been host to some of the girls from the finest finishing school across the country – The Mata Hari Finishing School for Young Ladies – for years. Here’s the final guest programmers with some of their favorite Christmas jingles (we can not identify them by name because many of them are avoiding extradition for war crimes in other countries.)
All I Want For Christmas Is You Mariah Carey -
The song was co-written and co-produced by Mariah Carey and Walter Afanasieff, who started off as Whitney Houston's arranger and has co-produced and co-written many of Carey's hits, including One Sweet Day and Hero. He also won a 1999 Grammy award for co-producing Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On.
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree Brenda Lee -
This holiday classic about a holiday dance party was written by Johnny Marks, a very prolific Christmas songwriter who was Jewish. His other songs include Holly Jolly Christmas and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Step Into Christmas Elton John -
The song was written on a Sunday morning and recorded in the afternoon at the London Trident Studios, sparked by a riff Elton's guitar player, Davey Johnstone, came up with. The single was released in November 1973 and received heavy airplay, although it only reached #24 on the UK chart. It may have done better, but buyers may have been put off by the B-side: Ho! Ho! Ho! (Who'd Be A Turkey At Christmas).
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas Gayla Peevey –
People say that this is rarely heard - there's a reason. Apparently little Gayla didn't know that she was hoping for the beast that, "kills more people in Africa than any other animal".
O Holy Night Tori Kelly -
This carol has the distinction of being the first song ever to be played live on a radio broadcast. On December 24, 1906 a Canadian inventor, Reginald Fessenden, broadcast one of the first ever AM radio programs, and the first ever to feature entertainment and music for a general audience, from his Brant Rock, Massachusetts station. After playing Handel's Largoon an Ediphone phonograph, he proceeded to play O Holy Night on his violin, singing the last verse as he played. He finished the broadcast by reading various passages from the Gospel of Luke, before wishing his listeners a Merry Christmas.
Christmas Tree Farm Taylor Swift -
Taylor Swift grew up on a Christmas tree farm that was run by her parents at their Pine Ridge Farm home in Reading, Pennsylvania. Taylor Swift's childhood job on the Christmas tree farm was "picking the praying mantis pods off of the trees so the bugs wouldn't hatch inside people's houses."
Through out the mid-'60s, Phil Spector was focused on singles, with his definition of an album being "two hits and ten pieces of junk." He took a different approach, however, when he put together a Christmas album in 1963, where he put a great deal of effort into every track. So please join us at ACME while we listen to The Phil Spector Christmas Album.
The only original song on the album was Darlene Love'sChristmas (Baby Please Come Home), which he wrote with Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich. Spector issued the song as a single when the album came out, but unfortunately this was the same day US president John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. This seriously dampened the holiday mood and the single, as well as the album, were withdrawn.
I know it's not Christmas in our home unless we hear Darlene Love sing, so please enjoy Darlene Love's very first Christmas appearance on the David Letterman Show
And here's her 2014 (and final) appearance on the David Letterman Show (psst - I found the entire episode - Merry Christmas):
But fear not -
She sang it the other night on Jimmy Fallon's show
Before our holiday feature presentation, ACME would like to start the evening with the 1952 Looney Tunes cartoon Gift Wrapped, co-starring Sylvester, Tweety, and Granny, directed by Friz Freleng.
This short, along with the Bugs Bunny/Yosemite Sam cartoon Ballot Box Bunny and the Pepé Le Pew cartoon Little Beau Pepé, were submitted for an Academy Award in 1952 but were not nominated.
In case you are still overwhelmed by the holidays (or haven't finished wrapping,) - ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour would like to share with you a few shorts that we didn't get around to post for you this holiday season.
First up - Dick Van Dyke just celebrated his 99th birthday and his neighbor helped him celebrate -
All My Love is a heartfelt song that explores themes of enduring love, commitment, and resilience in relationships. The track uses weather metaphors to convey the ups and downs of a lasting union. The rain clouds might roll in, sure, but eventually, the sun breaks through. The video was co-directed by Mary Wigmore and Spike Jonze and filmed at Van Dyke's beachside home in Malibu, the clip is a heartwarming tribute to the iconic actor.
Next up, holiday greetings from the original cast of Star Trek -
So live long and prosper!
And finally, a rather rude song from a rather elderly British gentleman:
Oh Mr. Idle, what are we going to do with you?
As always, ACME wants you to join them in celebrating the holidays with your friends at The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour - the official soap of our nation's bald eagles. Remember if your bald eagle's talons are filthy, do we have a soap for you! It's nearly here - after all the shopping and planning. Why join The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour in watching another Frank Capra classic holiday movies, the 1961 film - Pocket Full of Miracles, (a remake of his 1933 film, A Lady for a Day,) starring Glenn Ford, Bette Davis, Hope Lange, Ann-Margaret, Arthur O'Connell, Peter Falk, Thomas Mitchell, Edward Everett Horton, and Mickey Shaughnessy. This was the final feature film Frank Capra directed. It was not a happy set as Glenn Ford and Bette Davis did not get along and bickered throughout the filming. Nevertheless, people find the film a charming holiday classic The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour would like you to join us in watching this fun movie, so push away from pile of gifts you are wrapping, if you can, get comfortable and enjoy the film.
The animosity that sprang up between Glenn Ford and Bette Davis gave Frank Capra constant blinding headaches, even though he refused to physically intervene in their altercations. Capra wrote in his autobiography that the production was "shaped in the fires of discord and filmed in an atmosphere of pain, strain, and loathing."
The staff and management of The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour would like to wish you and yours the happiest and warmest of holiday seasons.
Remember, the best holidays are those spend with the ones we love. We hope we've been able to a part of yours.
