Wednesday, February 28, 2018

When will they ever learn?




Enid Gabelle found out the hard way
what the penalty was for not checking
out our archives.




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Monday, February 26, 2018

Ephebiphobia -


an irrational fear of youth



This phobia runs especially rampant throughout legislative bodies



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Sunday, February 25, 2018

Don't let this happen to You!



Edward Blisterhinds never paid attention in school. He unfortunately found it difficult to get work after graduating.


After years of aimless loafing, he was finally able to land the job of overweight lab rat exerciser.

Kids - pay attention in school!



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Saturday, February 24, 2018

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (56)


ACME hopes that all of their friends and family are continuing to enjoy happy and healthy Lunar New Year celebration (Pace yourself! You have seven more days to go.)


Another page from the ACME Catalog -



Before our feature presentation, ACME would like to start the evening with a Road Runner/ Wile E. Coyote Looney Tunes cartoon, the 1949 Chuck Jones directed, Fast & Furryous:



In this cartoon, both Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner look slightly different from the later cartoons to follow: in this one both characters look shorter and scruffier. In later cartoons, both characters would be redesigned to be taller and thinner to accentuate their speed.


In celebration of the Lunar New Year, today's episode of The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is sponsored by StarHub:



Remember, StarHub, you could always change the locks

Another facet of the Lunar New Year celebration, is about traditions. The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour would like to start a tradition with your family by watching one of the crowning achievement of the Second Golden Era of Chinese Cinema, the animation classic, Da Nao Tian Gong (sometimes known in English as Uproar in Heaven) based on the Legend of The Monkey King. Once again, if you can't watch this today, please put it on a list of films you much watch.



The Wan Brothers are credited with establishing the Chinese animation industry and had produced the first ever Chinese feature film, Princess Iron Fan, in 1941. It had originally been intended to animate this story in the early 1940's, but both World War II and the subsequent Civil War between the Communist and Nationalist forces delayed this project. It was launched shortly after Wan Laiming took over management of the Shanghai Animation Film Studio in 1954 and brought his three brothers onto the project in 1963. Not only did the film receive praise within China, but it received kudos from the international film community as well. Unfortunately, it was also the last great animated feature to come from China for many years as it, and the Shanghai Animation Studio, fell victim to the Cultural Revolution the year after it was released.



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Thursday, February 22, 2018

Pause for a moment

Collective Nouns for Humans in the Wild
by Kathy Fish

A group of grandmothers is a tapestry. A group of toddlers, a jubilance (see also: a bewailing). A group of librarians is an enlightenment. A group of visual artists is a bioluminescence. A group of short story writers is a Flannery. A group of musicians is — a band.

A resplendence of poets.

A beacon of scientists.

A raft of social workers.

A group of first responders is a valiance. A group of peaceful protestors is a dream. A group of special education teachers is a transcendence. A group of neonatal ICU nurses is a divinity. A group of hospice workers, a grace.

Humans in the wild, gathered and feeling good, previously an exhilaration, now: a target.

A target of concert-goers.

A target of movie-goers.

A target of dancers.


A group of schoolchildren is a target.




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Monday, February 19, 2018

Saturday, February 17, 2018

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (55)

ACME would like to wishes all of their friends and family a happy and healthy New Year!

Xin Nian Hao

Another page from the ACME Catalog -


Before our feature presentation, ACME would like to start the evening with a Road Runner/ Wile E. Coyote Looney Tunes cartoon, the 1952 Chuck Jones directed, Going Going Gosh:

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When viewed in slow motion, during the scene where the Road Runner whizzes through the cement and it splashes onto Wile E. Coyote, the cement begins to part and splash 'a second before' the Road Runner slices through it.

In celebration of the Lunar New Year, today's episode of The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour is sponsored by Fraser and Neave Beverages:



Remember, F & N sodas: they're a must for every home

The Lunar New Year, among other things, is about spending time with your loved one, The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour can think of no better way to spend time with them than watching one of the most beautiful films ever made, In The Mood For Love - you literally can feel the voluptuousness of despair. (If you don't watch this today, please put it on a list of films you much watch.)



Despite being the two primary antagonists of the piece, the characters of Mr. Chan and Mrs. Chow are never physically seen on-screen. Roy Cheung and Paulyn Sun, who play these respective characters, actually filmed scenes as their characters which were edited out of the final cut.



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Friday, February 16, 2018

Gung Hey Fat Choy!


The first thing to do on the morning of New Year’s Day is to set off firecrackers to drive away the evil monster Nian. Afterward, the Chinese will have the first meal of the year, which is as important as the reunion dinner for most Chinese people.



(This year unfortunately, Beijing has banned major firework displays due to the hazardous smog conditions they have caused in the past.)



Most people choose to eat dumplings, hoping to have good fortune in the New Year, because dumpling’s shape is similar to gold ingots, which was the currency used in ancient times. People in South China prefer to eat rice cakes, because rice cakes are a symbol of wealth.



Young people will visit elders, and in return, elders will give them red envelopes with money inside for good luck. New Year's Day is the first day of the first month of the Chinese calendar, known as Zhengyuè. Family members visit each other and send best wishes for the new year. Younger people visit the homes of elder family members, and seniors give lucky money stuffed in red envelopes to children as new year gift. Nowadays, people tend to greet each other via phones.



The first day of the Lunar New Year is sometimes known as the 'Birthday of Chicken'.



It’s also important to avoid killing animals on this day as that’s believed to bring bad luck. Killing a chicken, in particular, is believed to kill one’s luck since chicken is a homophone for luck in Mandarin (ji) and Cantonese (gai), so it’s best to avoid freshly slaughtered chicken on the first day.



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Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Love is our true destiny.

We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone — we find it with another.

While you're opening your Valentine Day Cards and eating your special candy, opine upon this -

When Rome was first founded, wild and bloodthirsty wolves roamed the woods around the city. They often attacked and mauled and even devoured Roman citizens—which, incidentally, is why the city took more than a day to build.

With characteristic ingenuity, the Romans begged the god Lupercus to keep the wolves away. Lupercus was the god of the wolves, so he was expected to have some influence on their behavior.

He didn't.


Wolves kept attacking and Romans kept dying.

This led the Romans to the obvious conclusion that Lupercus was either angry or away on business. It was a serious problem either way. Now, to this point in their history, the Romans had addressed all of their problems with one of two solutions: the first was to pray to their gods. Okay, they'd tried that. It didn't always work.

The second solution was to get drunk out of their minds and have an orgy.



So, in an effort to get their slacker god's attention, they had a huge party in his honor. They called it Lupercalia. It was an early April holiday celebrated on February 15 because, in spite of their classical educations, the Romans were as bad at reckoning months as they were at building roads—it was impossible to leave the city, for example, because all their roads led right back to Rome.

Because it was a spring holiday, and because Lupercus either didn't know or didn't care how many Romans were devoured by wolves, and because the Romans weren't wearing anything under their togas, Lupercalia gradually became a kind of swingers' holiday.

On Lupercalia Eve, Roman girls would write their names on slips of paper that were placed into a big jar. The next day, every eligible young man in Rome withdrew a slip of paper from the jar, and the girl whose name he had withdrawn became his lover for the year. Also on the eve of the Roman feast, naked youths would run through Rome, anointed with the blood of sacrificed dogs and goats, waving thongs cut from the goats. If a young woman was struck by the thong, fertility was assured. Much grab-ass ensued.

Naked and gore drenched, Marc Anthony, after a crazed run through the Roman Forum on the feast of Lupercalia, offered Julius Caesar the imperial crown of Rome. Caesar demurred and told Marc Anthony to go home, take a shower and get dressed.

As an interesting aside, they would often sew their lovers' names on their sleeves, from which we get the expression, who the hell taught you how to sew? Also, this must have been one hell of a party.

Romans were still attacked and killed by wolves, but no one really gave a damn now that they were all getting laid.

The festival endured.

Hundreds of years went by.

In the early years of Christianity, the Roman Emperor Claudius II was having problems with his army. Many of his soldiers were married men, and they couldn't be convinced that marching off to god forsaken barbarian backwaters to kill disgusting savages was more important than staying home and having sex with their wives.

Claudius ordered his soldiers not to get married. To be absolutely safe, he ordered priests not to marry soldiers. Not many soldiers wanted to marry priests, so this wasn't a big problem (some of the soldiers would have been happy to marry other soldier but that's another story.)

Now, there was one old priest who thought the emperor's policy was unfair. It wasn't so much that he wanted to marry any soldiers—he enjoyed playing the field—but he felt that he ought to be able to perform the holy rite of matrimony for soldiers who wanted to marry women (and be tipped accordingly - remember this is the Catholic Church - nothing happened unless you remember to tip your priest.) He began conducting secret Christian marriages.

The old priest was quickly arrested and imprisoned. On Lupercalia Eve of 270 AD - that's February 14, remember - he was decapitated.

That priest's name was, of course, Marius.

Arrested, imprisoned, and beheaded right alongside him, however, was another priest who'd been performing secret marriages—a handsome young priest named Valentine.

We don't know much about ole Valentine, but there are a lot of apocryphal stories. There's one about how, while he was in prison, Valentine fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer and eventually taught her to see. There's another one about Claudius being so moved by Valentine's eloquent defense speech that he offered to call off the execution if the priest would abandon Christianity. But there's also a story about an old lady putting her dog in the microwave ... and you don't see me going off on that tangent. As time went on, people forgot about old Marius, who hadn't been very photogenic. People remembered the handsome Valentine, and eventually he was canonized.

There was a new saint in town - St. Valentine.



And, like most saints, he'd been dead for years. But for all the fuss over what he did while he was alive, he has been absolutely spectacular in death.

His relics are on display today at St Francis's Church in Glasgow, Scotland. They can also be seen at the Whitefriar Street Church in Dublin, Ireland. They're also at the Church of Saint Praxedes in Rome and the Collegiate church of Saint Jean-Baptiste and Saint Jean l'Evangéliste in Roquemaure, France, as well as eight other churches, two cathedrals, and all over Ebay. The Raelians could learn a thing or two from this dead saint.

If you do the math and were to gather all of St. Valentine's remains from all these churches, you'd have enough raw material for three new bishops, two deacons, and a linebacker. Giving eyesight to the blind is impressive, but as saints go it's the equivalent of a card trick. Multiplying your remains after you're dead, though. . . there's a miracle.

But, as the Spartan say, let us return to our sheep.



(And let's not ask what they intend to do with their sheep.)

One day the Christian Church took control of the calendar, which the Romans had reduced to one long series of overlapping holidays. The Christians moved Lupercalia back a day and renamed it St. Valentine's Day. No one objected to this change, since Lupercus still hadn't saved a single freaking soul from the wolves and the Romans still weren't wearing anything under their tunics.

And so St. Valentine's Day came to be celebrated as a harbinger of spring, a glorious tribute to the romantic splendor of Christian marriage, and a time for some good old-fashioned pagan fornication.

More centuries passed.

Christianity became more widespread, the calendar was finally perfected, and the holiday evolved into what it is today: a glorious midwinter celebration of passion, romance, and toe-curling sex. In some countries it's also celebrated by married couples.

(It should be noted that St. Valentine was removed from the Christian Calendar in 1969 because the church could not abide one of its sacred holidays being so flagrantly commercialized.)



Valentine's Day Cards

Let's go back for a moment to another apocryphal story about Marius' good friend Valentine.

On the day he was finally led to his execution, the jailer's daughter - the blind girl he'd taught to see--couldn't bear to say goodbye. Valentine understood, naturally—he had the patience of a saint—so he said goodbye in a letter. He signed it, "From your Valentine."

"The phrase," one source informs us, "has been used on his day ever since."

But that's not true. I should have known it wasn't true, since the source happened to be the guy sitting next to me in a bar where I did all my research.

The first true Valentine Card - and by that I mean the first such card signed by anyone whose name wasn't actually Valentine - was sent in 1415 by Charles, the Duke of Orleans, to his wife.

The Duke had been captured at the battle of Agincourt and was locked up in the Tower of London, and probably wasn't trying to be romantic so much as clever. Signing a love-letter "Your Valentine" didn't mean "your adoring spouse" or "your loving boo-boo." It meant, "your husband, still in jail, probably about to have his head chopped off."

Two-hundred-and-fifty years later, Samuel Pepys, who was probably familiar with the whole Duke of Orleans thing, wrote romantic poems to his wife on Valentine's Day and signed them "Your Valentine." Since he was neither in jail nor about to have his head chopped off, this was probably the first real Valentine.



Today, of course, billions of Valentines are exchanged each year, many of them from people not in jail or facing decapitation. Also by the time you finish reading this, more than 3/4 of a millions sex act will have occurred worldwide (ever minute humans engage in 83,333 sex acts) many of them illegal in Michigan.



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Monday, February 12, 2018

Saturday, February 10, 2018

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (54)


Another page from the ACME Catalog -


Before our feature presentation, ACME would like to start the evening with a Bugs Bunny Looney Tunes cartoon, the 1952 Chuck Jones directed, Hasty Hare:



The science professor's note of resignation reads: "SHALOMAR OBSERVATORY I resign! When I begin to see things like this, it's time to take up turkey farming. J. Frisby DIRECTOR." Just as Asronomer, J. Frisby, walks down stairs, to look outside, musical theme, "Turkey In The Straw" plays for 5 to 10 seconds.


On February 10, 1971, Lou Adler's Ode Records released Tapestry, the second solo album of the 28-year-old singer-songwriter Carole King (who was already a veteran of the music industry, having been a successful songwriter in the Brill Building since she was 17.) Tapestry was a groundbreaking album, which helped popularize the singer/songwriter genre. The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour would like to celebrate this anniversary by asking you to join us in listening to the album, Tapestry now.



It stayed on the American album charts for over six years, selling over 24 million copies worldwide. Until 1976, it was the largest-selling album ever, and until March 29, 1980 when Dark Side of the Moon marked its 303rd week on the Billboard album charts, it had the longest stay on the Billboard Top 200. Tapestry won 1971 Grammys for Album of the Year and Best Pop Vocal Performance.



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Monday, February 5, 2018

Ludophobia -


Fear or abnormal dislike of losing a game




(Dedicated to the Patriots)

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Saturday, February 3, 2018

The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour (53)


Another page from the ACME Catalog -

acme stovelid

Before our feature presentation, ACME would like to start the evening with a Bugs Bunny Looney Tunes cartoon, the 1952 Robert McKimson directed, Rabbit's Kin :



This cartoon marks the debut of Pete Puma.
.

February 3, 1959, was a tragic day for rock and roll music. Four lives were lost on that cold winter night near Clear Lake, Iowa: the lives of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, J. P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, and Roger Peterson, the pilot that was supposed to take them to Fargo. Later, this day became known as “The Day the Music Died,” after the lyrics in Don McLean’s 1971 song American Pie. The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour wants to commemorate this date by asking you to join us in watching the episode that aired on February 3, 1999 of the VH1 series - Behind The Music: The Day The Music Died -



There seems to be some controversy about a specific detail concerning this tragic event. Stories conflict about the events that night before the flight. Everyone agrees there was a coin toss. But survivors still debate who was the person who barely missed getting on a plane ride to their death, all due to the luck of a coin flip. It seems that Waylon Jennings, Tommy Allsup and Dion all seem to claim that they gave up their seat on that fateful flight. Rather than wade into that thicket, The ACME Eagle Hand Soap Radio Hour would like you to stick around and watch another documentary about the events of that evening -The History of the Winter Dance Party featuring Dion.



The "Winter Dance Party" tour did not stop. Waylon Jennings and Tommy Allsup continued performing for two more weeks, with Jennings taking Holly's place as lead singer. Bobby Vee & The Shadows (Bobby Vee, born Robert Thomas Velline, his older brother Bill and a hastily assembled group of schoolboys, who volunteered to play) performed in Fargo, ND on February 3rd, and Jimmy Clanton, Fabian & Frankie Avalon were substituted as the tour’s headliners. Frankie Sardo, Dion and The Belmonts, and The Crickets continued until the end of the tour.



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Friday, February 2, 2018

Every mile is two in winter.

Happy Groundhog Day.

 In honor of the occasion, here's a little history -



Groundhog Day, February 2nd, is a popular tradition in the United States. It is also a legend that traverses centuries, its origins clouded in the mists of time with ethnic cultures and animals awakening on specific dates. Myths such as this tie our present to the distant past when nature did, indeed, influence our lives. It is the day that the Groundhog comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to look for his shadow.

If he sees it, he regards it as an omen of six more weeks of bad weather and returns to his hole.

If the day is cloudy and, hence, shadowless, he takes it as a sign of spring and stays above ground.



The groundhog tradition stems from similar beliefs associated with Candlemas Day and the days of early Christians in Europe, and for centuries the custom was to have the clergy bless candles and distribute them to the people. Even then, it marked a milestone in the winter and the weather that day was important.

According to an old English song:

The Roman legions, during the conquest of the northern country, supposedly brought this tradition to the Teutons, or Germans, who picked it up and concluded that if the sun made an appearance on Candlemas Day, an animal, the hedgehog, would cast a shadow, thus predicting six more weeks of bad weather, which they interpolated as the length of the Second Winter.

Pennsylvania's earliest settlers were Germans and they found groundhogs to in profusion in many parts of the state. They determined that the groundhog, resembling the European hedgehog, was a most intelligent and sensible animal and therefore decided that if the sun did appear on February 2nd, so wise an animal as the groundhog would see its shadow and hurry back into its underground home for another six weeks of winter.

The Germans recited:
For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, So far will the snow swirl until the May.

This passage may be the one most closely represented by the first Punxsutawney Groundhog Day observances because there were references to the length of shadows in early Groundhog Day predictions.



Another February 2nd belief, used by American 19th century farmers, was:

Groundhog Day - Half your hay.

New England farmers knew that we were not close to the end of winter, no matter how cloudy February 2nd was. Indeed, February 2nd is often the heart of winter. If the farmer didn't have half his hay remaining, there may have been lean times for the cows before spring and fresh grass arrived.

The ancient Candlemas legend and similar belief continue to be recognized annually on February 2nd due to the efforts of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club.

Growing Fame

From offering support of political events, to rooting for area sports teams, to becoming the star of a Hollywood movie, Dr. Phil seems to have always been in the public eye. Early observances of Dr. Phil's predictions were conducted privately in the wooded areas that neighbor the town. Today's celebration sees tens of thousands of visitors from all over the world as revelers await Phil's appearance as most fans wait to see their favorite rock stars.

The Punxsutawney Spirit newspaper is credited with printing the news of the first observance in 1886 (one year before the first legendary trek to Gobbler's Knob. Let's polish the Knob everybody):

"Today is groundhog day, and up to the time of going to press the beast has not seen his shadow."

Over the course of Dr. Phil's appearances, Phil has had numerous noteworthy highlights:



During Prohibition Dr. Phil threatened to impose 60 weeks of winter on the community if he wasn't allowed a drink.

In 1958 Dr. Phil announced that it was a "United States Chucknik," rather than a Soviet Sputnik or Muttnik that became the first man-made satellite to orbit Earth.

In 1981 Dr. Phil wore a yellow ribbon, and nothing else in honor of the American hostages in Iran. Several elderly women and young children fainted. Strong men had to be restrained from gouging their eyes out.

Dr. Phil traveled to Washington D.C. in 1986 to meet with President Reagan. He was joined by Groundhog Club President Jim Means, Al Anthony and Bill Null.

Dr. Phil was arrested for humping Pennsylvania Governor Dick Thornburg's leg in 1987.

In 1993, Columbia Pictures released the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray.



Dr. Phil used to frequently appeared on the Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman shows.

In the years following the release of the movie, record crowds numbering as high as 30,000 have visited Gobbler's Knob to 'polish the Knob' in Punxsutawney!



February 2 is more than just the annual date of Groundhog Day. It actually has significance when it comes to the weather, as it marks the exact midpoint between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.



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