Making a base camp (overlooked vegetables part 2)

Now let's turn our attention to another overlooked vegetable - Fennel. Unless you've had the privilege of eating at a traditional Mediterranean family's home, you've probably never had this delicious licorice tasting vegetable (sometime known as winter celery.) It's something different and you should add it to your repertoire (and just because you're you - I'll even throw in a second recipe.)

Ingredients

* 2 fennel bulbs (thick base of stalk)
* 2 tablespoons of oil (canola or olive - use the olive the calorie difference isn't that great)
* Balsamic vinegar
* Kosher salt
* Pepper


Tools

* Sharp utility knife
* Cutting board
* Aluminum foil
* Large baking tray
* Tongs
* Medium size mixing bowl


Instructions

Preheat oven to 350° F. (Remember, I said that you could roast these during roasting of the beets.)

Cut off the stalks and fronds of the fennel bulb (save them for another use - roast them with fish or chicken, beat unruly children with them.) Cut each fennel bulb in half vertically, slicing through the root end. Then cut each half in half, keeping the root core intact, about 1/2 inch thick slices (again OCD sufferers - 7/16 of an inch - make a mental note to send your Congressperson a stern letter about the need to adopt the metric system.) The slices may or may not stay together - that's life - don't sweat it.

Put your cut fennel slices in the mixing bowl, add your oil and season with kosher salt and pepper to taste. Don't add so much salt that you give yourself high blood pressure. Toss well. (Remember these steps, we're going to come back to them for our next recipe.)

Lay out piece of fennel onto baking tray and roast for 30-35 minutes. If you have both the beets and the fennel in the oven at the same time - you deserve a drink. Halfway through the cooking time, turns the fennels pieces over. Remind yourself about the joke Saint Lawrence told during his martyrdom. Remind yourself how strange you are that you know jokes about saints roasting to death.

Roast until the fennel is cooked through and beginning to caramelize and get crispy around the ends (but don't let them burn.)

Remove from the oven and add back to the mixing bowl (the fennel is burning hot - do you think any germs have a chance. Alright, if you're going to be that way - rinse out the bowl first.) Add a splash of balsamic vinegar, if you want, toss and serve.

OK - say you don't want another roasted item for your Thanksgiving spread (I won't hold it against you), here's a simple yet very tasty salad -

Ingredients

* 2 fennel bulbs (thick base of stalk)
* 1 medium sized juice orange (if you can find one, a blood orange would be great)
* 1 small red onion
* 3 tablespoons of olive oil (it's Sicilian; you have to use olive oil.)
* Kosher salt
* Pepper


Tools

* Sharp utility knife
* Cutting board
* Vegetable peeler
* Tongs
* Medium size mixing bowl

Instructions

Cut off the stalks and fronds of the fennel bulb (save them for another use - roast them with fish or chicken, beat unruly children with them.) Cut each fennel bulb in half vertically, slicing through the root end. Then cut each half in half, keeping the root core intact, about 1/4 inch thick slices (this should seem like déjà vu, if you read the other fennel recipe, except for the fact that you've cut the fennel slices about 1/16 inch thinner.) The slices may or may not stay together - that's life, don't sweat it. Peel the small red onion and slice thinly (as thin as you can without recreating Dan Aykroyd's Julia Child skit.) Set aside. And again, if raw onions bother you, soak them in ice water until you're ready to use. If raw onions really bother you, don't use them (again, I'm not in your home at the moment, what do I know.)

Now we come to what will seem like an impossible silly task but hey it's cooking. You will need to cut the segments of the orange from the orange without their skin - this is called supreming an orange (and no, you are not forming a music group with your fruit.)

This is one of the only recipes that I will suggest that you refrain from drinking (until you have been drinking and cooking for at least 30 or more years.) Shear off the top so that the orange flesh is just visible. I can't tell you how thick a slice that will be - I don't know what orange you're using - nut up (remember this is a Sicilian salad - it's a man's world.) Now cut off the same amount from the bottom so that the orange sits flat. You have a choice at this point. You can a.) cut from top to bottom curving the knife to the shape of the orange, until you've removed all of the peel and pith (white flesh) of the orange, or, if you're a nervous Nelly with a knife, b.) Use a good peeler and remove the peel and pith.

Next, cut in between the white sections, placing your knife as close to the white membrane as possible, and slicing to the core. Once you reach the core, bring the knife blade up along the opposing membrane wall and remove the segment. Repeat until you've removed all of the segments, transferring them into your mixing bowl. Set aside the orange corpse (we'll need it later.)

Put your cut fennel slices in the mixing bowl with the orange segments. Drain your onion slices, pat dry and add them into the bowl. Gently squeeze your orange corpse to extract any juice into a small bowl. Add a tablespoon of the juice, olive oil, season with kosher salt and pepper and gently toss.

Plate and serve. (At this point you deserve a drink.)

Making a base camp (the overlooked vegetables)

Let's talk vegetables.
You probably don't like them (maybe you do, what do I know.) You probably had a bad experience in elementary school (not with vegetables - just in school.) Well, you have to eat vegetables sometimes and Thanksgiving is as good about a time as any.

We're going to deal with two unsung vegetables - today, Beets and tomorrow, (not the world but) Fennel - that you could add to your holiday table.

Roasted Beets

Ingredients:

* 3 fist sized beets (how big is that - I don't know, how big are your fists?)
* 2 tablespoons of oil (canola or olive)
* 3 cloves of garlic
* Kosher salt
* Small red onion
* Fresh tarragon or mint leaves
* Mustard Vinaigrette *
* Goat Cheese **

Tools

* Sharp utility knife
* Cutting board
* Peeler
* Aluminum foil
* Tongs
* Medium size mixing bowl


Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350° F.

Scrub all beets (we'll peel them once they have baked - actually you'll peel them - I'm not with you at the moment.) Tear off six squares of aluminum foil and place three of the squares on the counter and put the others aside.

Place one beet and one clove of garlic (unpeeled) on each square. Rub the beets with oil and a generous sprinkle of kosher salt. Stop thinking that you don't like beets - don't make me come to your house. Wrap the beet tightly in the foil. Wrap each of the enclosed beet packages in another square of aluminum foil.

Place the beet packages on a small baking tray. Bake for about an hour, until they are soft when pierced with the tip of a sharp knife (please to not do this to test if a loved one is done.) Open the packages and allow the beets to cool slightly. Be careful - there could be juices seeping out of these packages and beet juices can stain (no amount of Shout® will get them out.)

Cut your red onion into thin slices and set aside (if you find the taste of onions too strong, soak in ice water until ready to use.) There's no rest for the wicked though - you can prepare the other vegetable, fennel, while you're waiting for the beets to roast (recipe to follow.)

Slightly grease your hand (and get you minds out of the gutter - you're greasing them so you can avoid staining you hands) and remove the skin of the beets. You should be able to do this with a knife but if you're nervous handling a knife with greasy hands, use the peeler. Once you have the beets peeled, quarter them, and then slice the quarter pieces in half.

Remove the roasted garlic cloves from the packages. They should be soft enough that you can squeeze out the pulp into the mixing bowl. Add a small pinch of salt and a small drizzle of oil. Whisk together, then lick your fingers (no one is in the kitchen; go ahead - roasted garlic tastes great.) Add the sliced beets into bowl with the onions and shred either some of the tarrigon leaves or mint leaves (which ever you prefer) and toss. If you wish you can serve like this.

Or you can toss the cooked beets with a Mustardy vinaigrette* and top with goat cheese**.


I save glass jars. Not in some bizarre Howard Hughes bodily fluid sort of way but I need a perfect mixture or storage container way. I have a shelf in a closet that has been dubbed the glass museum. If you don't have that kind of space, save at least one Grey Poupon mustard jar and two spaghetti sauce jars. The mustard jar is a great size for making salad dressings and the spaghetti sauce jar is the perfect size for cocktail shaker.

* Mustardy Vinaigrette

Ingredients

* 1 heaping teaspoon grainy mustard (remember to leave the s off, you know why.)
* 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
* 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
* Salt and pepper


Add the mustard and the vinegar into an empty jar. Shake. Add a pinch of salt and pepper (to taste.) Add the olive oil and shake until thoroughly combined.


** Feel free to use what ever goat cheese you like (I like a fresh goat cheese rather than an aged cheese with the beets but again, it's your choice.)

Advancing on our trek (Appetizers)

Since Thanksgiving is mostly about ritual and tradition, I'll share with you my family's traditional holiday dip. This is literally a blast from the 60's but then again, so am I.

My mother has recently checked out my recipes on this site. Rather than congratulate me on preserving recipes for my daughters - she began looking for errors in the recipes. So with much trepidation, I give you her recipe for Shrimp Dip (mom if you're reading this, I'm sure I got something wrong). For the rest of you, it's perfect and perhaps you have a slight clue as to the high alcohol content of my recipes.

Ingredients

1 - 10 oz. can condensed tomato soup (you know that kind - Andy Warhol painted it and until they pay me, I'm not mentioning the brand name.)
1 - 8 oz. package cream cheese
1 - 8 oz. jar of mayonnaise
1 package of Knox Gelatin (I mentioned the brand name, sue me, I don't know any other gelatin company.)
1 cup diced onions
1 cup diced celery
3 - 5 ounces cans of medium shrimp*
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce


Tools

* Sharp utility knife
* Dinner size folk (not the salad folk)
* Cutting board
* Small saucepan
* Medium sized mixing bowl
* Can opener
* Medium sized sieve
* 1.5 quart Tupperware bowl (with bumpable lid)**
* 1 large wooden spoon
* Several shots of the best vodka you have (in your freezer)
* 1 Beach Boys CD (preferably Pet Sounds)


Directions

Turn on the CD. It had better be Pet Sounds. Don't argue with me - If Sgt Pepper didn't exist, this would have been the greatest album ever made. Brian Wilson went crazy because of it. A character in Doonesbury died while listening to it. I'll come to your house and hurt you.

Cut your onion and celery into small dice like pieces. I usually don't care about these sort of things but since you aren't going to cook them, cut them fairly evenly and small (those of you suffering from OCD - 6/16 squares.) Take you're first shot of vodka. Put the onions and celery aside. Contemplate the obsessive nature of musical geniuses (think about how many different drugs Brian must have been doing at the time to name an album Pet Sounds.)

Add the cream cheese, mayo, onions and celery into the bowl and mix thoroughly. (Take a shot or not - your choice.) Heat the soup in small saucepan over a medium flame until just simmering and take off flame. Add the worcestershire and the gelatin package into the heated soup and stir vigorously (to avoid clumping.) This is called 'blooming the gelatin'. Stir for about five minutes. Let 100 flowers bloom (my mother proof read this and specifically wanted me to mention that she is not encouraging the advancement of Communism by the making of her shrimp dip. Duly noted.)

Add the tomato soup into the cream cheese mixture and combine thoroughly. Congratulate yourself that you've come this far with the recipe and have another shot. Open the cans of shrimp and drain and briefly rinse shrimp. Add to the cheese mixture and fold shrimp in until just combined, trying not to mash the shrimps up (if you do - so what, your mother isn't going to yell at you.) You should be up to the really sad part of the CD - try not to cry into the bowl. If you can't stop crying - cut your alcohol intake immediately.

Transfer to Tupperware bowl. Smooth the top and seal. Remember to 'burp' the bowl. Giggle to yourself - it's ok, you burped the bowl. Refrigerate several hours (overnight is preferable.)

To serve, remove from refrigerator and warm outside of bowl to loosen dip from side and turn out onto a serving plate. Serve with crackers (My mother prefers Ritz crackers - I like Carr's, it's your choice, she's not your mother.)

* 3 cans of the medium size shrimp equal about a pound of cooked shrimp. If you can't bring yourself to use canned shrimp - by all means use cooked shrimp. You'll need to chop the shrimp into small pieces (maybe even squirt them with a slice of lemon - again, your mother isn't looking over your shoulder.)

** You can use whatever resealable container you'd like, Tupperware didn't pay me a dime.

Demand Euphoria!

Beginning the climb to the summit of Everest (Thanksgiving Dinner)

Alright, it's time to face your fears - Thanksgiving is coming up and you've never made dinner before. OK bunkie, let's walk through the whole thing. I promise you with a little help, it's going to be OK.

We'll start with something easy and work our way up. Cranberry Sauce. Yes, you could buy it in the store but this taste better and if you have to bring something with you to someone else's dinner, you an offer to make this (and hold your head high.)

Cranberry Sauce
Ingredients:

* 2 cup sugar
* 2 cup orange juice
* 2 12-ounce package Fresh Cranberries
* 1 Peeled skin of a navel orange

Tools

* sharp utility knife
* cutting board
* peeler
* 1 large heavy bottom large saucepan
* 1 wooden (or metal) spoon
* measuring cup


Directions:

Peel the skin of a navel orange. Try not to get any of the white pith. Begin telling yourself Groucho Marx jokes. Start with how you shot an elephant in your pajamas. Sing, "Hooray for Captain Spaudling." Stop when you family tells you to pipe down. Cut the peels into a small dice size.

Combine sugar and juice in a large saucepan. Bring to boil (stir occasionally - remember, hot sugar - hot lava.) Add cranberries and diced peel, return to boil. Reduce heat and boil gently for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. The cranberries are going to pop and possibly splatter. Remember all the curses you know in foreign languages (it the perfect use for them when you get burnt.) This puppy is going to boil up at some point, stir until it subsides.

Cover and cool completely at room temperature. Pour into a clean mason jar (the spaghetti sauce size jar.)

Remember if you bring this to someone's house, remind everyone that you made this - it's not store bought.


More to come.

Ginger Baby Carrots

One of the problems of having popular children is they have friends. (This is mostly a problem if you have younger children - older children have an entire other set of problems that almost no amount of cooking can solve.) And their friends are going to want to come over to your house. And occasionally they are going to want to stay for dinner. Since I am not running a diner (or a prison for that matter), I have had to come up with a vegetable that even the most finicky (annoying) child will eat - Ginger Baby Carrot*.

Ingredients

* 1 1/2 cup of baby carrots
* 1/3 cup orange juice
* 2 tablespoons canola oil (or olive oil)
* pinch of salt (I will hurt you if you ask how much is a pinch)
* 1 finger of ginger (about 2 inches - OCD sufferers - 1.7485 inches)
* 1 tablespoon of butter
* 3 tablespoons brown sugar

Tools

* sharp utility knife
* cutting board
* 2 quart saucpan with lid
* 1 large wooden spoon or tong
* 1 shot of ice cold vodka



Directions

Turn on the radio. Any channel will do - loud enough to drown out children singing along with Miley Cyrus (or whomever your children listen to in order to drive you crazy.)

Peel the rough outer skin of the ginger. Inhale it's fragrant aroma. Imagine that some day you might go to India. But then realize the number of vaccinations you would probably need in order to travel to India. You probably really don't want dysentary anyway. Slice the peeled ginger into coin size pieces (you figure out how big that is.) Set them aside.

Add the carrots, sliced ginger, water and canola in you're on a diet (add the orange juice and olive oil if you're not.) Place your saucepan over a medium-high flame. Add a pinch of salt over the carrots and cover with lid. Tell the kids to lower their music and stop jumping on the bed.

This is an incredible important step - especially if you can't see them. They probably are jumping on the bed and you will show them that you have supernatural powers for catching them in the act. Sip the vodka to soothe your jangled nerves.

Occasionally, shake the saucepan back and forth over the heat much in the same way you would make Jiffy Pop. Wonder where you would be without Jiffy Pop. Keep an eye on your pan, it should take you about 7 minutes to cook your carrots through. If you are preparing the carrots in the diet version, turn off the heat, and put them aside until you are ready to serve.

If the butter and sugar don't frighten you, lower your heat to medium and add your tablespoon of butter to the saucepan. Swirl around and when melted, add the sugar. Stir until melted (be careful, as previously mentioned, melted sugar is as hot as lava and burns just as much.) Cook an additional 2 minutes then turn off heat and cover until ready to serve.

Yell at the children to wash up and get to the table and it is between you and your God if you have another shot before dinner.


* All of my children's friends will eat these carrots, my youngest daughter will not. Go figure.

Makes a great holiday gift (hint, hint)

A good friend of mine's group, Annabouboula, are releasing their new CD this week - Immortal Water

Check out some of the cuts here. It's a makes a great holiday gift (product endorsement.)

Here are two older clips of the band:

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

Ancient Romans celebrated a holiday called Feralia on February 21. At first it was a simple day off to recover from the holiday of February 20 (Bougainvalia), and to take care of last minute shopping before the holiday of February 22 (Onsalia).



It was, coincidentally, the last day of the year according to the Roman calendar.

Over time it became a sacred day in its own right. It became a festival to honor the dead, and like most Roman holidays it involved some serious drinking. Feralia also resembled most other Roman holidays in that it outlasted the western Roman empire. The jolly men and women of the Mediterranean basin saw no reason to give up the riotous holiday, with all its drinking and orgies, despite countless reminders from an ascendant Christian church that drinking was bad (unless it was Jesus' blood) and orgies were worse.



At last, in the 7th century, Pope Boniface IV decided that the holiday was Christian after all, except that instead of honoring all the dead it should honor only dead saints, that instead of Feralia it should be called All Saints' Day, that instead of drinking and orgies it should be a day of prayer and meditation, and that instead of February 21 it should be observed on May 13.

The good peoples of the Christian world happily accepted the new name and date, but persisted in drinking and orgying. As punishment for this inappropriate enjoyment, Pope Gregory III moved it to November 1, and unwittingly laid the foundation for our modern Halloween.

Hold that thought.



Since as early as the 5th century BC, the ancient Celts had considered October 31 the last day of summer. They called the day Samhain (rhymes with Clamhain), and they believed all the divisions between the world of the living and the world of the dead were dissolved for that brief period. They thought the dead used this window of opportunity to possess the souls of the living, and the thought scared the piss out of them.

A variety of bizarre rituals to ward off the dead accumulated around Samhain over the centuries, including the sacrificial burning of virgins (when any could be found).

When these Celtic rituals collided with the Christian All Saints' Day, all hell broke loose. People didn't know whether they should pray, drink, orgy, burn virgins, or what. They tried a lot of different combination: they got drunk and prayed, they burned virgins and got drunk, they prayed to have orgies and got drunk with virgins, they prayed then got drunk and had orgies with virgins.



Eventually they settled on sending their kids out in silly costumes to ask their neighbors for candy. This was intended to keep them out of the house while the drinking and orgies raged, but since everyone's doorbells kept ringing from everyone else's children, the drinking and orgies gradually faded away.

Of course, this brief outline only traces the development of Halloween as we know it in America. The holiday is still celebrated in countries all over the world in an astonishing number of ways.

In Bulgaria, for example, October 31 is a national holiday called Bulgerplutz. In rural districts, children dress up as kitchen utensils and dash from farm to farm tying chickens' feet together. Any unhappy farmer attempting to shoo the children away from his chickens will find himself pelted with manure and glass shards as the children sing playful Bulgerplutz carols. In Mexico, the Day of the Dead lasts from October 31 through November 2, which has long been a concern to students of the Mexican calendar. The celebration is a fusion of sixteenth-century Spaniards' All Souls'and All Saints' Days and the Aztec festival honoring Mictecacihuatl, the Aztec goddess of the dead. (Mictecacihuatl was said to have died at birth as the result of complications relating to pronunciation.)



One can't help but marvel at the similarities between the Day of the Dead that arose in Meso-America and Kyrgyzstan's Day of the Very Sick (Nov 1), Papua New Guinea's Evening of the Emotionally Exhausted (Oct 31), and Vanuatu's Cardiovascular Appreciation Days (Oct 31 - Nov 2).

In Saudi Arabia, October 31 is Sandy Night. As soon as the sun sets, children scamper out into the desert and fill their home-made bags with sand. The holiday is believed to be derived from the ancient Bedouin tradition of sending children out to fill bags with sand.



In Chile, Halloween is infused with ancient Incan traditions. Fretful mothers extinguish the fires in their hearths for fear of attracting Spaniards while naughty children take their parents hostage and demand their weight in chocolate.



In Wittenberg, Germany, October 31 is celebrated as the day on which Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to the door of the church in 1517. Many of the town's children frolic giddily about, nailing Theses here and there with impish delight, while others try to catch and burn them as heretics.

Whatever your own tradition, enjoy Halloween.



For all you parents - remember to sort your kids candy later tonight. It is not a crime to save all the good chocolate for yourself.

Tell'em you have to sample it for poison.