January 25, 1759 -
It's Robert Burns' birthday and people will be celebrating with a Burns Supper
The Burns Supper is eaten all across Scotland each year on the anniversary of the national poet's birth. It
consists of haggis and whiskey. It is customary for the host to read Burns' Ode to a Haggis at the dinner table,
presumably as a diversionary tactic.
The haggis are a gentle breed of playful mammals indigenous to the Scottish highlands. They have never
survived attempts at transplantation. They have been popular cuisine for as long as the British isles have been
populated. Julius Caesar reflects in his memoirs that he tried to bring several thousand haggis back to Rome for
breeding after his conquest of Brittania - a controversial decision that eventually led to civil war in the Roman
Empire.
The ancient Picts of Ireland invaded and eventually settled Scotland in no small part because of their affinity for
haggis. The ancient Celts migrated in the opposite direction to avoid it. Haggis were traditionally trapped, killed,
and prepared like most other small mammals. Toward the end of the eighteenth century, however, it became
fashionable to drop living haggis, like lobster, into pots of boiling water.
This is because after boiling for half an hour the pelt peels off easily and can then be dried and used for in
textiles. Haggis fur is especially popular in Scottish gloves, coats, and seat covers. I would like to bring some
attention to the terrible plight of the delicate and sweet-tempered Haggis, whose inoffensive lives are too often
ended by being boiled alive at the hands of a boozy Scot.
In today's frigid atmosphere of political correctness, it is considered unfair to condemn the Scots for their
grotesque maltreatment of these affectionate animals. To deplore their treatment of the haggis is to criticize their
culture, and cultural criticism is an obscenity.
But Scottish culture? We're all grateful for whiskey, but is it enough to justify bagpipes and men in skirts? Has
any other culture cried out so eloquently for condemnation?
According to People against the Indefensible Treatment of Haggis, more than eight million haggis were
"ranched" for this year's festivities. Over six million of these ranch-bred haggis, beside whom veal calves might
well be considered pampered, were sold to Scots who will take them home, boiled them alive, then skin and
dismember them. The nearly two million not sold will be tossed alive into commercial blenders, mixed with fresh
cream, frozen, and later sold as the popular Scottish summer treat, Haggis Ice. Try looking into the trusting
brown eyes of a haggis and explaining that it must be boiled alive and ceremonially dismembered for the sake of
Scottish culture.
This horror must end. To help bring it home to Americans, I ask you to take a moment to reflect on our own
Groundhog's Day. Each February 2, we honor the prognosticative skills of that curious little creature in a vast
national celebration of pagan superstition.
How many groundhogs die for this celebration? None. How many groundhog mothers are separated from their
groundhog children in order to satisfy our national groundhog needs? None. How many grandfathers stand at
the heads of their dinner tables, proudly presiding over the dismemberment of a steaming groundhog carcass?
The Scots could learn a thing or two about ethical animal treatment from us. We could probably also teach them
a thing or two about trousers.
And so it goes.
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